PCOS and your marriage
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Those of you suffering from PCOS and/or Infertility know the effect it has on your body, and your emotions. But during this struggle, you may not notice the negative affect it has on your marriage and relationships.
It is not possible for those without infertility and/or PCOS to understand, or even begin to understand what we go through. However, that doesn’t mean that they can’t (or don’t) try. One of the biggest mistakes I made early on in my diagnosis was I had the pity party. Why me? What did I do to deserve this? Poor me, blah blah blah. Sometimes I find myself going back there… During these pity parties, I pushed my husband away. He could not possibly, nor did he even try to understand what I was going through. He just makes it worse by ignoring my feelings, etc, etc. That is what I thought, but boy was I wrong. I was so wrapped up in my own self pity and obsession to get pregnant, that I was completely blind to my husbands pain.
Men are different, we all know this. They don’t often work on the emotional side of things, but it doesn’t mean they don’t hurt. You can be sensitive to their needs, while still addressing your own. Here are some tips that I found, that I wish I had years ago, that can help reduce the stress that PCOS and/or Infertility can put on a marriage:
1) Date night
Yes, it sounds lame, but it is essential !! Whether you have children or not, a date night is a must. You may be too busy to do it every week, but make a point of having at least a few, YES A FEW date nights every month. Schedule them. And agree that nothing, except the end of the world will come in between you guys and this special night. If you cannot afford to go out, then don’t. Stay in, pop some popcorn, have a soda and watch a movie. Or have a picnic inside the house with cereal if you have to ! Just something to make you both slow down, and talk about each other. One rule for date night — NO talking about infertility, PCOS, pregnancy, etc. That is a rule that you must follow. Only talk about positive things, about each other, your day, your work, etc.
2) Talking, communicating
Yes, the dreaded communication thing. But its so important. We all know everyone does not communicate on the same level or the same way. This lack of communication is what causes so many marital problems. Be sure to talk to your spouse every single day. And when I say talk, I mean you talk a little and you LET HIM talk a little also. Don’t interrupt….Don’t judge…..and DON’T belittle his feelings, or make him feel that his feelings are wrong, silly, etc. Let your husband express himself in whatever way he needs to. Remember, you are not the only one going through this. He needs support as well, and knowing that you two are in this as a team will make him more able to support you when you need it. My husband and I often talk through IM, sometimes we can communicate MUCH better that way. It lets us speak what is really on our mind without all the attitude and emotions getting in the way to cloud things.
3) Have sex for love, NOT for trying for a baby
This is probably the MOST important thing I can recommend. When we are trying for a baby it gets to become boring, timed, the same ole thing every time. This specific time, this specific position, etc. Sex is intended for creation but its also intended for a man and a woman to take part in intimacy….to be close and loving with each other. There is a time to try for the baby, but make sure that you guys also have time for concentrating on each other. NO baby talk, no specific ways, etc. Take your time, be loving towards each other and remember that there is more to sex than the never ending quest for a child.
4) Get your husband to come to doctors appointments
This is an odd one, but it really helps helps him understand what is going on with you and your body. I found that dealing with the news from the doctor was hard enough. Then I had to go home and go through it again for my husband? No thanks !! Remember, men want to understand so they can figure out a way to help “fix” the problem. Even if they can’t fix it, it will make them feel a bit more in control of the situation if they know what is going on. Plus, it takes the pressure and anxiety off of you having to explain it to them, especially when they don’t get all that is being done. They come to the appointments and they can hear it explained directly from the doctor….they also can ask any questions THEY may have.
These are simple tips, but tips that most don’t think of. Infertility (and PCOS) can drain the “good” out of your marriage. I constantly hear of people having marital problems due to infertility, possibly because it often swallows you and consumes you to the point of obsession. Its hard enough going through this, don’t put more pressure on yourself by letting it affect your marriage. Your husband and you are a team, you each need to support each other and remember that this affects toe both of you. However, there are things you can do to stop it from negatively affecting your marriage.
